Letter of Complaint
by wolf with panther eyes
Summary: After discovering Merlin fanfiction, Arthur and Merlin decide to write a letter complaining about certain inaccuracies eg. slash. In the process, they also start to discover a few truths about their own lives that they're... not exactly satisfied with.
1. Chapter 1

Merlin's writing is normal

_Arthur's writing is in italics_

Enjoy, and I'd love it if you R&R! I might write more of this if I can think of anything.

* * *

Dear Merlin fanfiction writers,

We recently found your work completely by accident and have noticed that many of your stories contain ideas that us, the Merlin group

_Why the Merlin group, Merlin? Why not the Arthur group? I reckon I have more fan girls than you._

…the Arthur group, are not quite happy with.

_You bet we're not! It's amazing what types of stories have been written._

Anyway, we're going to list our complaints here.

1. Arthur and I are just friends! There is _nothing _romantic going on between us!

_That's what you think, Merlin…_

Huh?

_Well, I've seen the way you look at me sometimes, and so the writers may have an excuse for thinking that you love me. I wouldn't blame you if you did._

What about the stories where you love me first?

… _okay, no more Merthur._

2. I am taller than Arthur, thank you very much. Yes, the prince is usually tallest, but not in this show.

_I'm better looking, though._

3. I do not fancy Lancelot/Will/Edwin/etc! They're all just friends (with the exception of Edwin, who tried to kill me).

_Really? Don't tell me you were the one who cut Edwin in half using that axe._

Oh, no, that wasn't me, that was…. Ummm… Gaius!

_Yeah, right. My turn to add one._

_4. I, Arthur Pendragon, do not fancy Lancelot/Will/etc in any way. I mean, come on, they're both great guys, but just because I let them be my friends it doesn't mean that I have a crush on them._

Lots of your beloved fan girls think that you do.

_Shut up, Merlin._

_5. Why does every writer give Merlin magic powers? He's no sorcerer! I should know, and yet pretty much every story features him doing magic._

Listen to him, he's completely right! I have no idea why people continue to give me magic powers that _do not _exist. At all.

_It's all because you covered for Gwen that one time, remember? People must have liked the idea._

Oh, yeah… right.

6. My hair is black. Not dark brown. Ebony black, coal black, jet black - it's black, okay?

_7. No more Merthur slash._

We've already written that.

_Yes, but so many people write it I think we better emphasise it twice._

Good thinking.

I'm out of ideas. Can you think of anything else to add?

_Not at the moment, but I'm sure I'll come up with something. I usually do._

Okay, let's send this off, then.

Please respect our wishes, and remember, keep the magic secret!

Yours Sincerely,

_Arthur _and Merlin.

_PS. You know, I never got why that was our tagline._


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, I'm actually surprised how many reviews this story has gotten. Thank you to everyone who did! You've inspired me to write another chapter.

Any ideas/Merlin cliches that you can think of are welcome, in case I add a third chapter.

* * *

Dear Merlin fanfiction writers,

Well, for starters, thanks to those of you that actually read our last letter. I honestly thought that it would have been ignored.

_It was, Merlin. There's still Arthur/Merlin stories appearing._

Anyway, apart from that, it seemed to be a success. So we thought we'd write another one.

_Because the more fanfiction we read, the more complaints we have._

Okay, in order to continue where we left off:

8. No femmeslash, especially no Gwen/Morgana.

_Yes, no more… wait, what? Why'd you write that, Merlin?_

Well, if we're telling people to stop writing slash, isn't it only fair that we ask them not to write femmeslash?

_Morgana told you to write that, didn't she?_

…yes.

_Spoilsport._

9. No more mpreg! It may have escaped your notice, but it is physically impossible! And anyway, why am I always the one affected? Why not Arthur?

_Because you're seen as the girl in our 'relationship'._

Gee, thanks.

_10. No more 'old' Merlin, either! How did people even come up with that? He's younger than me, for crying out loud! And yet people seem to have this idea that he's an old man who helped my parents get together._

Arthur?

_Yes?_

Wrong fandom. You're describing the traditional Arthurian legend.

_Oh. __Well, at least they named the legend after me._

_11. My father doesn't send me out to kill EVERY monster/sorcerer/traitor. He sends out other knights at times instead of me. Merlin, why are you laughing?_

Oh, no reason. It's just…

_Yes?_

He does send you out most of the time, which is odd considering he also wants to protect you.

_Are you questioning my father's decisions?_

No! No, definitely not.

_You try writing down a complaint, then._

12. No more making me wear a dress, please! I have never worn a dress, and do not intend to in the future. No thanks to Morgana, who kept trying to persuade me to wear one after she discovered fanfiction…

_I remember that; she kept dropping hints every time she saw you._

Arthur, sayings like "The colour of this dress would go so well with your eyes" and "I think this would look lovely on you" are not exactly hints.

_It's a shame really. You would have looked so cute in a dress._

…

…

… did you really just write that?

…

Well, this is awkward…

_Umm, I've got to go and, ummm, talk to my father now, Merlin. I'll see you later._

Yeah, alright…

Please keep our new requests in mind, especially no. 12. I'm suddenly wondering exactly what was running through Arthur's mind just then, and I'm not sure I want to find out.

Yours sincerely,

Merlin and an absent Arthur.

PS. As always, no Merthur is encouraged.


End file.
